


Documented

by catieclysmic



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: And this is one of my faves, Felix Hugo Fraldarius is Bad at Feelings, Felix is gay and Sylvain is bi, Felix is smitten, Have to squint for it, Implied Dorothea/Ingrid, Ingrid helps out, M/M, No Smut, Pre and Post Time Skip, i love cliches, no beta we die like Glenn, pretty much felix has a diary lol, sylvain is closeted, they are both idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:40:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28606110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catieclysmic/pseuds/catieclysmic
Summary: Felix doesn't write, and everyone knows this. Denying any affiliation with pen and paper to take up the sword instead.Well, it was because Felix was a secretive person and that it was his own business thank you. If anything, he enjoyed occasionally writing in a journal in his room. Nothing too personal (he would die if anyone found it then), but to vent about his day if Sylvain was too busy hooking a woman into dating.Actually, most of the entries were about Sylvain. Not in the sense he was writing about how dumb he was, but on how he was able to train with him, get a smile, or was flirted at as a joke (when it sure didn’t feel like it). So maybe it was a little personal…But he could deny it, and he could pretend that it was about how insatiable he is in general.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 5
Kudos: 41





	Documented

Felix didn’t particularly enjoy the thought of romance books.

Not even books in general. Reading about a subject is not going to have the same weight as executing it. He’d rather wield a sword than read about it. So when he was persuaded (forced) into black magic by Professor Byleth, he was not happy. The only reason he was able to use Thunder and Thoron was because of Annette who would explain to him what the books said while he was practicing in the training yard. (And if Annette made songs about how to wield them, maybe it was easier to get through.)

So, any person who knew him would think he didn’t indulge in anything that included paper and pen. He would leave that to Ashe and Ingrid, who would always sit in a corner of the dim library and discuss the latest romance book on the shelves.

Well, it was because Felix was a secretive person and that it was his own business thank you. If anything, he enjoyed occasionally writing in a journal in his room. Nothing too personal (he would die if anyone found it then), but to vent about his day if Sylvain was too busy hooking a woman into dating.

Actually, most of the entries were about Sylvain. Not in the sense he was writing about how dumb he was, but on how he was able to train with him, get a smile, or was flirted at as a joke (when it sure didn’t feel like it). So maybe it was a little personal… But he could deny it, and he could pretend that it was about how insatiable he is in general.

Felix sighed sadly as he sat down at his desk and picked up his quill. He knew that both Sylvain and him would have to marry some noblewoman to secure an heir for their respected houses. It was all the Margrave talked about, prompting Sylvain’s hatred of Crest. Felix himself didn’t enjoy the notion at all, and unlike Sylvain, spoke to his father about it. 

Maybe the problem was Felix didn’t like women to begin with, and that he would rather spend his life with Sylvain like they promised as kids. Waking up each morning to him sleeping beside of Felix and kiss that stupid grin off his face when he said good morning.

Rodrigue tried to be supportive of his son’s tastes, but also was tied with his love of Faerghus and the need for an heir to House Fraldarius. Felix stormed off (ran off, but he wouldn’t admit that). His own hatred for the knightly values of Faerghus and the duties of nobility sinking further into his soul. Sylvain found him on the snowy slopes later, unconsciously going further into Gautier territory. At least his old man told Sylvain later it was because of a dispute between him and Felix rather than the true reason.

That was four years ago, after telling Glenn a year before he loved Sylvain, and his big brother explained what that meant. How he hugged him in support and said if that is what he wants to do. Then, Glenn would sarcastically say he would keep the family running so Felix could follow his heart.

But Glenn is dead, and Sylvain hasn’t  _ won’t _ reciprocate his feelings. It's been years and Felix learned to deal with it with his own coping skills. Mainly by writing everything Sylvain did with Felix that day. At least he could cherish them when they both married one day. Not out of love, but duty.

  
  
  
  


_ 26th of Lone Moon, Year 1180, _

_ The weather has been changing spontaneously throughout the moon. Today it became as cold as Gautier territory in the fall (which is not as bad as the people from the Black Eagle House say). Of course, Sylvain decided to interrupt my training to tell me it was too cold to not wear anything besides my uniform.  _

_ The idiot didn’t budge and so I finally just went with him to the dining hall. Everyone was gone due to the time (how was I supposed to know it was late) and drank hot tea to fight the chill. He knew what my favorite tea was and forced himself to drink it so that I would be happy, or at least content, with not being around wielding a sword. I was fond of it. He even forced himself to smile through it, despite the bitter taste. _

_ Next time I will have Bergamont with him. Even if I will have to do the same for him. _

\----------------------------------------------------------

_ 15th of Harpstring Moon, Year 1180, _

_ The idiot’s birthday is soon. I still don’t know what to get him. I asked him about it and he just swung an arm around my shoulders. He said my presence on his birthday was enough. I almost punched him for his words. He doesn’t know what impact words can have. I know he was joking, it is normal for Sylvain, but I for some reason… it pains me to know it isn’t true. _

Felix has not cried since the Tragedy of Duscur. He was known as the lone wolf. A cold person that snarled at anyone who came too close. The Blue Lions knew that crying was saved for Ashe and Annette the most. Sometimes Ingrid when she thought of Glenn or Sylvain when he thought of the horrid Crest system that disowned his brother. Byleth when their father died and Dedue with a misty stare looking at Duscur flowers. Felix is a secretive person in heart and mind, and what he does is nobody's business. Emotions were weak, they could get you killed on the battlefield if you weren’t careful. If anything, that was to be done in the privacy of your own room or away from others at least.

So if, that night, the journal of his was stained, and some of the ink bled, who could say it was true?

\---------------------------------------------------------

Felix hacked away on the training dummy. Its’ straw head was lopsided. The Professor was already on his back for two training dummies he destroyed yesterday. He tried to aim for the body so that the end would not fall off.

Stable duty was the last thing he wanted to do.

It was later in the night. They got back from their mission to take out some bandits a few days prior. Most of the class was shook with the death toll that came with the task. Of course, the boar feigned innocence, but Felix knew his true nature, scoffing at his words of faith and sorrow. Felix didn’t care about the bandits, they shouldn’t have become bandits if they didn’t want to die. Or they should’ve trained harder to avoid it. But he thought of his classmates' expressions.

Ashe was horrified.

Mercedes prayed for them to have safe passage to the Goddess.

Sylvain asked for them to not haunt him because of their end.

Sylvain came back shortly after with a girl on his arm. The fifth one this week. They were probably at the gazebo drinking tea with Sylvain’s empty words filling the air around them. Vows of love and hope. The girl giggling along and hoping for nobility herself one day.

Felix vented the best way he knew how, throwing himself into his training. Everyone already left for the dining hall. Nobody dared to take him away from his sword, lest they be the target. His fingers bled from holding the sword too long in his grip, blisters forming and breaking from pressure. But even the pain of each swing didn’t stop his reeling mind.

How Felix wished it was him. Not that he would ever tell Sylvain or anyone.

But maybe, just maybe, he wrote it in his journal that night. 

_ I don’t care if he has a Crest or nobility. Money or anything to call his own. Titles mean shit in battle, nobody cares for the enemies family or friends they leave behind. To run away from it all and take up the sword, to live and die by it, maybe that's what I should wish. My problem stands though, what if I just want him? That stupid goofy grin, sweet words, the problems underneath due to a shitty family and murderous brother, his loyal demeanor. For him to give me the same look he gives those women. And if he would get his head out of the clouds he would fucking notice. Even if I would have to lay down my sword and instead take the title of Duke to keep him close to me. _

__

_ I would do it. _

\------------------------------------------------------

“Hey, Felix! I didn’t see you yesterday in the dining hall. Or today for a matter of fact. Care to join me?”

Sylvain’s voice rang out on the training grounds. Felix didn’t have time for this. He was trying to avoid thinking about Sylvain and these stupid feelings for a day. 

He turned around from his position, glaring at Sylvain in his usual fashion, “Don’t you have training to do as well?” Sylvain rubbed the back of his neck, obviously coming up with some excuse to save him. “Well, shouldn’t we eat before we train? I just feel like that should be a common belief, well… except for you. Besides! They are serving a spicy dish today. I thought you’d like that.”

_ He knows my favorite dishes _

Felix ran the thought out and fully turned to face Sylvain. Of course he would know his favorite dishes, Sylvain has been friends with him since birth. “Why would you need me to go with? I can eat later.” He turned to start his session and got in his stance, “What happened to that girl from yesterday?”

Sylvain looked to the sky as he smiled in a not so genuine way, “Clarissa? Or was it Marissa..? Anyway, I broke it off with her. Didn’t want it getting too serious.”  _ Of course. Couldn’t stand a balanced relationship if he tried.  _ “Besides, I would rather go with you than a nameless girl.”

His training sword stopped inches from the straw dummy. His heart was racing. Of course, training helped with that. It gave an excuse to the blush on his face. Exertion did the same thing to a person.

He put his signature scowl on his face, “Fine, if you won’t stop pestering me. Let me go wash off first. I’m covered in sweat.”

It ended up not being a spicy dish, but a soup with a bland taste. Sylvain brought peppers he bought from town to give Felix the punch he was looking for. Must have been from the merchant in the marketplace that came from foreign lands like Dagda, as peppers weren’t common in these parts. Felix actually laughed that night when Sylvain cried from the hot taste. The ginger didn’t want to feel like the odd man out, and paid the price sorely.

“Felixxxx!” Sylvain whined, “That’s not nice, can you at least help me?” Felix threw him a handkerchief with the Crest of Fraldarius on it from his pocket to wipe his eyes and got up. “I’ll get you some milk, you pushover.”

“Feliiixxxx!”

\----------------------------------------------------

_ 5th of Garland Moon, Year 1180, _

_ Sylvain’s birthday is today. His father sent him a lance with the Crest of Gautier on it. It was for when he didn’t use the Lance of Ruin, as after so many uses it needs mended with Umbra Steel. (Something quite hard to find). Sylvain hasn’t been in a good mood since. The mention of the mere reason he was born souring anything pleasant about the day. _

_ I knew his father was a dick, but wow, it was a low blow. Mercedes tried to cheer him up with sweets. _

Sylvain feigned happiness for Mercedes’s sake, putting on one of his smiles and cheery tone that he used to cheer up Annette or laugh with his girls with. Felix could see the fakeness in it though. Every moment Sylvain was probably thinking of Miklan, of the family that spoiled him for his crest, his  _ destiny _ . 

It was sickening.

Sylvain went to his room shortly after, wanting to get away from everyone for a while. Felix thought of what he could do. Of anyway Sylvain could get past this. After some initial thought, he ran off to his room and got his carving knife and went to look for some dry wood.

His memory of when they were children, and when they decided what they wanted to do. A topic between only them on their favorite hill, knowing that nobody in their families (besides Glenn) would listen.

_ “I heard stories that Fraldarius rode a pegasus into battle.”, Felix said looking out into the field below them. _

_ “Really? I wouldn’t have suspected that. The original Gautier was like the rest, he was a cavalier.” _

_ Felix nodded. “I wish I could ride a pegasus into battle. Imagine being able to fly  _ _ and _ _ run on the ground faster than on foot. I would be the best knight then!” He stood up and pumped his fist in the air.  _

_ Sylvain giggled, “Too bad pegasus wouldn’t let a man near them. Of course, your hair makes you look like a girl. Just keep it down.” _

_ Felix swatted at him, “Do not!” he pouted beside a laughing Sylvain, tears pricking his eyes. To avoid making him cry, Sylvain stopped. He knew Felix cried over the littlest things, “Well if you raise one, maybe you could..? It can’t be as impossible as it sounds. I want to ride a wyvern in battle. I would look so cool!” _

_ Felix looked to him as Sylvain smiled up into the sky, lost in his fantasy. “You already are learning how to use a lance. Why don’t you practice flying as well. You would be able to then.” _

_ The smile quickly left Sylvain’s face, a hand went up to his own cheek, rubbing it, as if remembering a particularly bad memory. “I asked the Margrave.” He stopped calling him Father two years ago. “He said I must be like a Gautier and ride a horse into battle instead. It’s what I have to do as heir. Keeping up an image, you know?” _

Felix, despite no negative feedback from his father, never tried to become a pegasus knight (It was probably because Rodgriue knew no pegasus would ever let a male near them). The idea of being anything like a knight killing him on the inside, anything with ‘knight’ in the title making him want to hurl. He knows Sylvain is taking flying lessons as a secondary course by the professor. Trying to defy his father little by little. He also knows fire magic now too. The look on the Margraves’ face when he sees Sylvain ride in on a Wyvern, lance strapped to his back to instead use a Bogalone, will be priceless. And boy, Felix would pay his inheritance to see it. But Sylvain will most likely do it in secret. Not wanting to be on the receiving end of his fathers’ wrath. 

Felix knocked twice on Sylvain’s door, but no answer came from the other side. With a huff, he knocked again. A little louder this time to wake Sylvain if he was asleep. Still Nothing.

“Sylvain! Are you in there?”

“You know it's rude to wake people up, right?”, his voice sounded rough. It could be because he just woke up, but he doubted it. Sylvain wouldn’t want Felix to worry, and come up with a half baked excuse to be left alone.

“I don’t care Sylvain. Let me in.”

“I’m fine Fe. I’ll be back at dinner.”

Felix remembers how he locked himself in his room when Glenn died. He didn’t let Sylvain in for two days and refused to talk to anyone, choosing to grief alone. Sylvain came down from Gautier for the funeral, and tried desperately to see Felix. However, he let him have those two days. It was as if he knew that solitude was how he grieved.

Felix will indulge him til dinner. It was Sylvains birthday. If it was his wish, then ok. But if he didn’t show up, then he would kick down the door.

“Fine. See you at dinner then. I’ll save you a seat.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------

He didn’t show up.

Sylvain never breaks a promise. He vowed that so many people have broken his trust throughout his childhood, that we would not act the same. If he didn't come despite saying he would, then he was in worse shape than Felix thought. He would fix this. Or try. He was not good at comforting people. But if Sylvain needed a shoulder to cry on then he would. 

He walked up the second floor stairs. Everyone was heading to their rooms for the night. Some, like Annette, went to the library for studying. They shouldn’t be interrupted. Felix stood outside of Sylvains room and looked at the door. It was most likely still locked. He knocked again, irritated “Sylvain! You didn’t show up.”

A low and broken chuckle came from inside the room. “Oh? Sorry, I lost track of time. Reading and all. I’m sorry. I can see you in the morning though.”

Sylvain would not open the door. He could respect that. But he wanted to comfort him. Being alone with your thoughts is not the ideal way to feel better. Thanking Byleth for teaching him lockpicking when he was certified in the Thief class, he took out his emergency lockpick (Always ready Fraldarius) and opened the door slowly. 

As it creaked open he was presented with an awful sight. The room had strewn papers all over the floor. Each with a seal of Gautier on them. Some of them with an extra seal of Crests he didn’t care to remember at the moment. The lance he got was in the corner, as well as the Lance of Ruin. However, it was covered in a bed sheet. The eerie orange glow peeked through to show proof it was still there. The window shades were closed. Books laid open on the bookshelf, one on the crumbled bed. Sylvain sat perpendicular to the head of the bed, back resting against the wall. He had his knees tucked up to his chest with his arms lazily set overtop. Usually the skirt chaser always looked pristine with the exception of his open coat. It was, what Sylvain called, his certified ‘casual’ look. Tonight, he is only in his undershirt and pants. The rest of his uniform on the edge of the bed. Sylvain’s hair was disheveled more than usual, and his eyes were glossed over looking to the opposite wall. The rims red from crying, proving his original theory correct. 

His voice was so soft Felix could barely hear it. “I forgot you could do that. Next time, remind me to put a chair under the doorknob next time.”

Felix, with all his aggravation of Sylvain avoiding to address his sadness, stormed over to the bed. “Cut the bullshit, Sylvain. Nobody has seen you since this morning. Do you know how worried we were? How worried I was? Did you even consider that?! I want to help you you fucking idiot, but all you do is pretend nothing is wrong until you can’t take it no more.”

Sylvain looked at the ground now, refusing to look the swordsman in the eye. HIs hair was covering part of his eyes. “I’m flattered you were worried.”, he smiled, “Care to sit then since you made yourself a guest?” He shuffled over to give him room. Felix sat down near Sylvain, keeping about three inches between them. He could forget his crush on the red head right now. He can’t remember all the times he was there for Felix as children, when Glenn made him upset with his teasing or he got in trouble by his dad. Sylvain was his best friend, and he needed help right now.

“Sorry I haven’t been out of my room. You already know my father sent me a gift.” he chuckled, “More of an obligation reminder. He even went so far as sending a proposal to marriage with it. A noble near the Galatea region. Gotta tell him I’m going to decline.” He put a hand to his cheek, “Let’s hope it goes better this time around. All these letters are for marriage as well.” That explained all the papers on the floor.

“They couldn’t care less who I am without my Crest. Look at Miklan. Cast out. All I am is another cattle to continue the routine till my children have to do the same. By that time, I can hopefully just break the whole Crest system, especially with Dimitri as king.”

Felix rubbed his shoulder reassuringly. He knew the history of Miklan. He walked in once on Miklan holding Sylvain in the air, arm reared back to pull a punch. Felix, at the prime age of 6, ran up to him and grabbed his leg with all four limbs and begged Miklan not to hit him. The commotion caused Glenn to come in and force Miklan to stop. Not without a sneer for ‘next time you won't be lucky’, causing Sylvain to tremble.

He stayed at Fraldarius for two weeks. Miklan welcomed him back to the Gautier estate with a crooked smile. 

Felix was brought back to the present when Sylvain sat his head on Felix’s shoulder. Felix’s breathing came to a halt, but then continued as if nothing major happened. He was good at pretending nothing got to hi, this time isn't any different. “You are worth more than a Crest. If you were a commoner in the streets you would still be my friend. You help everyone with their troubles and if your father ended up furious, we all would have your back.”

Felix looked at the papers again, “If you want to tell your father to screw off, I’ll be there to help. Hell, you can stay at Fraldarius and I’ll refuse entry for the Margrave, or fight him at my doorstep. Don’t let him control your life. He lived his, you need to live yours now.”

Sylvains only answer was a sniffle. He shuffled closer to Felix. The Fraldarius heir sat there and let him. He would give him as much time as he needed. But he remembered what he came here to do. 

“I got you a present too”

Felix got out of Sylvains embrace despite his whining. “Follow me to my room.” When he saw the hesitation on Sylvains face he included, “Nobody is out and about right now. My room isn’t far.” 

They walked down the hall and he unlocked the door. Swords hung on the walls. A box of cleaning rags and whetstones were sticking out from under his bed. On top of his desk was a present, wrapped hastily in any paper he could find. Sylvain sat down on his bed and his eyes brightened a little. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

Felix huffed. “Yes I did you idiot, now open it.”

Tearing off the paper slowly so as not to make a mess. Sylvain looked shocked to see a chess board sitting on his lap. “I thought you wouldn’t have to walk all the way to the library now to play chess if you wanted to. I don’t really know how to play, but you could teach me.” 

“If you want to, I mean.” he muttered the last part.

He smiled, and for the first time that night, his eyes were brighter and warm as he looked at Felix, “Thanks Fe.”

_ 5th of Garland Moon,1180, Continued _

_ Sylvain enjoyed his present, I didn’t know if he would or not. I am not the best at comforting, but I think I did ok. He put his head on my shoulder, then had the audacity to give me a hug. If it wasn’t him then I would’ve deck the person who did. Maybe he will keep doing that since I didn’t react badly. It wasn’t unbearable, and if it's as close as I can get then I will take it. _

\----------------------------------

Miklan’s death later on didn’t help matters. Then the Death Knight, Remiere Village, Jeritza’s betrayal, Tomas’ betrayal. Honestly he had more entries in his journal for how Sylvain helped Felix keep cool and not run into battle swords blazing. How his smile disarmed him before he could charge recklessly  _ “Don’t run in recklessly. I know it's a classic Felix move, but I don’t want you breaking our promise.” _

Insatiable idiot. 

He is running out of room in his journal. He’ll try to put in more pages somehow. Or write on the back of some. 

\----------------------------------

The ball was coming soon.

In about a week to be precise.

Felix saw no need in a ball. What is the point? So much has happened and a ball wouldn’t protect them from assassins, or the Death Knight. He hated social gatherings. They were stuffy, crowded, and it made his head spin. All the noises bashing together hurt his head and made him more irritable. Then there was Sylvain.

_ Sylvain. _

Sylvain would never ask him to dance. He would have every girl from the Monastery on his arm till the night was over. The training grounds would be locked for the event, and he didn’t want to watch a constant reminder of how he could never have the Gautier heir for his own. 

He’ll wait outside all night. The cats always appreciated his company. Especially if he had food to give.

\------------------------------------------------

_ 25th of Ethereal Moon, 1180 _

_ The ball turned out better than I thought it would. Of course, I didn’t go dance inside or anything. It was too loud for my taste. _

The ball is everything he expected it to be.

Everyone was crowded inside the cathedral. The pews were against the wall to allow more room for students. All of the Blue Lions, besides Dedue and him, dressed up for the occasion. He was still forced to wear a suit, but he was better off than Ingrid. She was forced by Mercedes and Hilda into an elegant dress and light makeup. 

The only reason he is in a suit instead of just being in his uniform or casual clothes is because Mercedes asked nicely. She was the ultimate trump card of the Blue Lions to get him to do anything sociable. It didn’t matter though. He was outside of the cathedral where the first floor dorms were, petting the monastery cats that left the cathedral from the commotion.

_ Sylvain is always an insatiable idiot and disregards personal space. _

“Sitting out here Fe? And here I thought we could get a dance in.”

_ He said he wanted a dance with me. But I knew the idiot was making a joke he didn’t know the weight of. _

“And here I thought you were going to dance with every girl you saw.”, he replied in a monotone voice, not even looking back to acknowledge the other male. Sylvain just put his hands behind his head and gave that stupid grin of his. “Nah, I’d much rather see what you were up to.” Felix was ready to throw down. Sylvain was here because he was a friend. Not because he likes Felix like that. He was a literal skirt chaser. He didn’t have a chance. His mantra running over and over in his mind,

Sylvain looked up to where the people were silhouettes dancing in the windows, “You can hear the music this far down. It's surprising, isn't it?” Felix looked up, and then looked back down at the black and white cat in front of him. “I guess so.”

Sylvain held out his hand to Felix dramatically. “Care to dance, my good sir.” He tried to keep his composure laid back. Felix looked up at him and went back to petting his cat, “I would rather die than let anyone see me dance.” 

Sylvain gave him an unimpressed look. He knew Felix was always like this, but when would be the next time they could dance together? Felix, on the other hand:

_ I wanted to dance with him. To have him close to me, like all of the other girls before that had the luxury. I didn’t want to indulge in my fantasy, I don’t want to trick myself into thinking he was anything more to me than a simple friend.  _

Sylvain pulled Felix up by the hand unwillingly. He stumbled from the sudden tug and glared at the red head. “Come on Fe! Nobody can see us from here anyway. They’re all at the cathedral.” He placed his hands on Felix’s waist and shoulder, pulling him close to his body. Felix felt the blood rushing in his ears, and he could swear the world stopped spinning for a second. “I’ll lead, ok?”

They started out slow, a simple waltz. One Felix remembered practicing with the same redhead when they were children. They picked up the pace as the music swelled louder. Felix at one point finally put his head against Sylvains chest. Sylvain smiled the whole time. Looking down at Felix fondly. 

_ It made me feel… Like he actually liked me and wanted to monopolize my time. And I could get used to that. _

_ \------------------------------------------------------- _

The war was raging.

Edelgard ascending as emperor, Dimitri’s supposed death, Byleth missing in action. It was all too much for the Blue Lions. They all wanted to grieve for the loss of their class, the memories that came with it. But after the initial battle, they all went to their separate territories.

It hurt to say goodbye to Sylvain when they made it to Fraldarius.

He knew he wouldn’t see Sylvain for a good while. He was needed to fight Sreng, the new Dukedom, and the bandits that now plague the streets more than ever. Felix also had his duty to his territory. Being raised as an heir and fighting off intruders. Keeping the name Fraldarius as a force to be reckoned with. He was fine (no he wasn’t). He missed his friends. Annette’s stupid songs, Ashe’s rambling about knights with Ingrid close behind, and Mercedes checking on everyone like the doting mother bird she was. He even missed the boar, in a sense. He wouldn’t admit to how he felt the night he received the news of the regicide. His hair instead was a reminder to him, and he excused it to everyone else as a poor hack job he did by himself because he was more busy with other things.

Then there was Sylvain.

He thought his journal would make him feel better. It held every moment they had. He would read an entry some nights when he was ready to run to Gautier territory. But it only made him miss the lance wielder more. He wanted to experience them again in real life, not in a book of memories. 

But he loved reading it anyway. And if Sylvain sometimes came to Fraldarius to help and he wrote a page or two? That was his secret.

\---------------------------------------

Then the Professor came back and made everything complicated.

They were back for their 5 year reunion, even if three of the people who said they would come were dead. The sight of the boar and the professor was like seeing two ghosts. Sylvain, Ingrid, and him grouped together to fight off the bandits in the North of Garegg Mach. 

When all of the bandits were gone they got an explanation. Dedue sacrificed himself like the loyal dog he was, and Byleth miraculously slept 5 years at the bottom of a ravine. It would be unbelievable if she didn’t cut through space with a sword and merged with the goddess.

They were now a small army, to stop Edelgard and bring back the Kingdom of Faerghus, with the delusional king on the throne. All he wanted was Edelgards head, and at this rate they were going to die.

_ 10th of Pegasus Moon, 1181 _

_ We are probably going to die sometime soon. The boar refuses to be tactical and go take back the Kingdom. He wants to appease the dead. Even if the dead are gone. Even if it is near impossible to make it to Enbarr with our rag tag team. He is ready to see us die for his cause. _

_ Sylvain thinks that we should go help the people at home too. Maybe we could go together and help if it was possible for two people to take on an army. If we do die, I would like to tell him how I feel. I know I would die on the spot in any other setting. He hasn’t gone back to his womanizing ways since we came back. And we will be here for who knows how long. _

_ Sothis, I am going to die if I have to be this close to him again for months. _

_ \---------------------------------------------- _

Ingrid was the first person to find out about the journal.

He lost his black spur. Again. A gift to Glenn when he became a Knight. Felix always kept it with him for good luck. But it was not in his pocket. It was not on his desk, his bed, or his bag. He didn’t start freaking out until Day 2. This prompted Ingrid to help. She knew how much this meant to him, and understood as well. She had his old green hair tie that she keeps with her. Weird. But we all have ways to remember someone.

“Check the bed”

Felix groaned, “Again? I already told you I looked there!”, he rummaged through his clothes, throwing them to the side. Ingrid looked up from the bookshelf she was looking through, “Well look again! I’m going to check your desk. You wrote letters to your father, right? So you could have dropped it sometime then or taken it out unknowingly.”

Felix didn’t look up, but just kept looking through his stuff. “OK, go ahead.” He went back through his bed per Ingrid's instructions, then made it again. By the time he finished searching under it did he realize his blunder, his veins turned to ice. “Wait Ingrid! I’ll check my desk-”

He turned around and saw Ingrid staring at him with a sad look. In her hands was an old, brown journal. Well beyond its years. The leather peeling and cracking from wear and tear. She had it halfway open. She usually didn’t partake in invasions of privacy, but sometimes when she feels like it is needed, she will. A stupid quality of hers might he add. Looks like it was one of those times. “Felix…” she started slowly.“Don’t.” Felix held up his hand. He didn’t need to hear her lie to him. Say that Sylvain might like him back. He moved his hand outwards to give a motion to get it back. She handed it slowly over and he stuffed it in his coat pocket. “Felix, you should tell him. He wouldn’t hate you.” Ingrid said. She stood up and walked over to the flustered man. His arms were crossed and he looked at the ground with a scowl on his face. 

“If anything. Sylvain would be flattered that you think so highly of him.” she put a hand on his shoulder. He only stiffened more from the touch. “No, Ingrid, I know what I’m doing. He is fine without me as a  _ partner. _ As you would put it. Life isn’t a romance novel you read, and you need to realize it.”

As he walked away back to his desk she stomped after him, irritated, wanting to help, but unable to get through his thick skull, “How do you know that? Maybe Sylvain is just as dense as you are? He could-”

“He has never shown interest in men before Ingrid! DO NOT lie to me and say he might like me back.”, Felix held a hand to his face. The reality of his words getting to him. He never said it outloud, never said the true outcome, always denying to think about it. “He isn’t gay, Ingrid, he wouldn’t even glance at me.” He hated how his eyes burned. He hated his emotions, hated that he wanted to cry over something as stupid and idiotic as  _ romance _ . “I would rather him be my friend then hate me for my tastes.”

Ingrid looked him up and down. She could tell it wounded him to say that. He needed to figure out how to do this for himself. But maybe a nudge in the right direction could help him. Not that she would tell him. “Come talk to me if you need me.” She said, knowing he wouldn’t want physical contact, and left. They could find the spar later.

Byleth found it later in the dining hall anyway.

_ 11th of Pegasus Moon, 1181 _

_ Ingrid found this. Of course she did. She’s Ingrid. I voiced my thoughts aloud. It was when I told her that we were heirs with duties, and Sylvain didn’t like men, and that the notion could never happen, that any feelings I have are hopeless, that I started breaking. My emotions need to die before they get in the way of battle. I can’t die yet, I made a promise to Sylvain. _

_ I don’t want him to die so soon because of me. Because I know he will kill himself for some stupid childhood promise. _

\--------------------------------------

He was at the training grounds practicing his sword technique for a mortal savant. After the confrontation with Ingrid, he invested more time in training. Ingrid would watch him with a disappointing gaze from the background. Sylvain would try to get him to leave to go eat. Mercedes tried to get him to stop whenever she had to heal his cuts. And he refused each one of them. He didn’t need them worrying over him. He was able to do this himself. He would train till no one could beat him. Byleth said he was almost ready for the certification. Even if it was barely official now that this is a war with a fragile legal system.

The large oak doors opened with a creaking sound. It was high noon, and everyone should be eating. All the knights that were here left to the dining hall. No one should be here unless it was someone trying to badger him to eat. It was a system after a few days. He didn’t even turn around when he heard the sound of footsteps approaching him.

“Mind if I join you?” Sylvain said. He could have guessed it was Sylvain. He only sees Sylvain when they are in battle meetings or meet impromptu like this. Sylvain has been in his room lately. His smiles are more fake. He hated it. It was his fault for not spending time with him. They both missed each other's company. But Felix had to distance himself a little. He needed to be able to be in control again.

But he did not expect Sylvain to want to train with him. Sylvain does take his training more seriously now, but he usually did it at odd times. When Felix wasn’t there or by himself on the other side of the yard. Sometimes they trained together, but seldom. 

Sylvain picked up a training lance and got into his stance at the other side of the yard. When Felix only answered with a raised eyebrow he sighed, “I thought I would be better to train with then an inanimate object.” That proposition did sound better than going against the dummy. Felix finally moved and went into his own stance. He would knock Sylvain down a few times and then would go eat.  _ Maybe Sylvain would join him.  _ It was an idiotic thought. He had to focus on the present.

Sylvain went first, letting Felix think that his patience gave him an advantage. But instead of going for Felix he went to the side just out of reach of his sword. Sylvain took a defensive stance, like he was going to pause for Felix to move, and then slashed outwards. The problem with lances was they’re long range. Harder to dodge than a straight forward axe or a sword. Felix dodged to the side, but his leg didnt get out of the way fast enough. He stumbled enough for Sylvain to take the offense. He came at Felix with a series of blows with Felix countering. But each one made him take a step back further til his back bumped against the stone wall. Before he could dart outward Sylvain held him back with his lance, cornering him to the wall. Sylvain loomed over him,  _ damn his height.  _ “I yield.” Felix mumbles out. What a dumb way to lose. Tripping. The idea of losing to Sylvain when he didn’t train as much not sitting well with him. Actually, it was because he was thinking about Sylvain the whole time. Thinking about how he looked swinging his lance, smiling throughout the whole thing. The spark in his eyes while he held Felix in place.  _ He couldn’t tell which one was worse to lose by. _

By the end of his thoughts, Sylvain was still trapping him. He felt hot in the face and no doubt he was red. He wanted to go with what dignity he had left at this point. “I said I yield you idiot.” Sylvain only shrugged and stayed there with that dumb smile. Eyes staring into Felix’s soul.

_ I’m going to die at this rate _ . Felix was thinking of an out. This was too much. If circumstances were any different, he would grab Sylvain by the collar of his shirt and kiss him. Show him everything he has felt for years. How long he has been pining for the red head. How much it hurt with each girl he picked up and talked about. Or each fake wink and smirk sent his way.

But this was not that world. And Sylvain doesn’t know. And they were just friends. Felix felt like a deer about ready to be shot. He never felt like the prey. Always the one that had the up in a situation. “Are you going to move or will I have to make you?” Felix snapped. Sylvain only blinked in response. Then, Sylvain, the stupid lovable idiot, took a piece of Felixs hair that was stuck to his sweat stained face, and put it behind his ear.

Felix stopped working.

Sylvain chuckled, as though knowing what Felix was thinking. “Hey Felix.” he whispered lowly. He bent down his head to Felix’s ear and whispered into it, tickling him a little, “Will you write this moment down too? For me?”

Felix looked at Sylvain in the eyes then looked away. Sylvains eyes were calculated, watching everything Felix was doing, every reaction. His smile was gone, only replaced with a neutral expression to match his sharp eyes. The indigo swordsman just wanted the world to swallow him. Or kill him. Anything to get away from this damnable situation.  _ It doesn’t help he’s hot when he does this. _

The best he could do was feign innocence. He swallowed thickly and spoke, wincing at the sound of it. It wasn’t as tough as he wanted it to be, a little high, but it was adequate. “I...I don’t know why I would write it down. I don’t like writing dumbass. Go to Bernadetta if you want that. You like her stories anyway” 

Sylvain shook his head and moved a little closer. His voice was a little louder, but only enough to where if the place  _ was _ crowded, it would only be them to hear it. “Come on Fe, after everything I read, you can be quite the romantic. I’m flattered.” 

He read it.  _ He read it _ . How did he even get it? It was always locked in his room. Nobody knew of its existence except…

Ingrid.

_ “Maybe he is just as dense as you.” _

Her words rang in his ear. Fear was more prevalent in his mind though. He couldn’t think of an out. Sylvain heard everything. Read everything. He knows all of Felix’s thoughts. What was he thinking? There was no out. Why did he use a book? Why didn’t he just remember things like a normal person instead of writing them down? Curse past Felix. He could kill him.

Sylvain watched Felix’s whole gay attack. He was no longer holding Felix back. Instead he was leaning on his lance watching. “A piece of gold for your thoughts?”

Felix turned to him, and then to the door. He darted to the door. He was a man of action. But he was smart enough to know when to retreat. Strong fingers held onto his wrist as he ran. The inertia pulling him backwards. The womanizer held him to his chest, the arm still in his grip to prevent another escape. “I didn’t say you could leave yet.”, whispering in his ear. He looked down at Felix. “Now how about you tell me the truth.”

Felix squirmed in his grip. The problem is where Sylvain lacks in speed, he makes up for in strength, a true cavalier unit. “You weren’t supposed to find that. Nobody was.” Felix whispered in defense, voice pinched. He was afraid if his voice went any louder, he would start crying all over again. He would lose Sylvain. Years of friendship. Just because he had to be a teenager and write down his feelings. He didn’t want to start crying. Just like the old days, Sylvain would say. But Sylvain wouldn’t comfort him this time. Sylvain would walk away while he kneeled on the ground and sobbed.

Sylvain nodded slowly. “That’s a start. But I would like to know everything. Let’s go somewhere more private for you.” he hummed. He walked towards the doors, Felix’s wrist still in his grasp. The only thing he could do was meekly follow. Nobody would be outside anyway. Sylvain carried on up the steps to the second floor dormitories. Acting as though unaware of his friend’s dilema. They made it to Sylvain’s room, and they walked in. He never locks his door (except for the incident), just in case someone comes to him instead of Mercedes. He prides himself in it being the second oldest of the class. But this time, Sylvain turned the lock. He let go of Felix’s wrist and sat on the bed, then proceeded to pat the space next to him. The swordsman sat down quietly.

“So. How long?” Sylvain asked casually. On his desk was the chess board he got him, and the cursed journal that caused all this sat on top. You think Ingrid would do it discreetly at least. Sylvain was focused but feigning indifference, twirling a pawn idly between his fingers, looking lazily at it instead of Felix.

“Why are you acting like this is a fucking joke?” Felix piped up. He glared at Sylvain. He lost his bite before, but it was back now. “That stupid journal had  _ everything _ in it Sylvain. Every single thought I had.  _ And you are acting like it meant nothing? Like this laughable? Haha Felix likes Sylvan, let's laugh at him for his damn feelings.”  _ He stood up abruptly. “Well keep your jokes to yourself. I’m leaving. Burn the book for all I care.”  _ Please give it back. It’s all I have left of you now. _

_ “ _ Whoa whoa Felix. Stop making assumptions.” He grabbed Felix’s wrist for the second time today, “The truth is… I am.. Beyond glad you think of me that way. I love you, Felix. I have since we were little. I didn’t want to lose you either, so I never told you.” He let go and also stood up. Sylvain raised his hand again as if to touch Felix for comfort, but he stiffened, causing Sylvain to put his arm back to his side. 

“Sylvain, you expect me to believe that? With every girl you chase? With your inheritance?”

Sylvain held a hand to his face. Then he put one finger up “One, I don't expect you to believe me if you do not want to, considering the things I have done. However, I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying to prove to you how I feel in hopes you will believe me. You are worth it to me." he puts another up, “Also, I’m bi Felix. Do you really think I would show my interest in men with the Margrave breathing down my neck? I was going to wait till he retired and I became the Margrave to come out because what could he do then? '' Then one more, “And I don’t give a shit about my inheritance. You know that. I would defy my father, possibly killing me in the end. I would live off the land, I would leave everything behind, especially my bloodline, for you Felix. You were always there for me. I can’t think of a time you weren’t. Even when we were kids and I teased you relentlessly, you didn’t treat me like scum of the Earth, you didn’t treat me like some show cow to be sold. I love you for the prickly pear you are. Your stupid eyes, your smile when your happy. I can never get over how you snort when you laugh, or how you brighten up when you see something you like. How you help people no matter how much you pretend to hate it.” Felix opened his mouth, but Sylvain beat him to the punch, “Don’t lie you helped Mercedes test sweets the other day. I saw.” he closed his mouth with a click. “What could I not want from you Felix?”

Felix’s heart may have swelled a little. This whole time Sylvain liked him. Ingrid may have been right all along.

When Sylvain finally touched Felix and pulled him towards him, he didn’t go stiff. He melted like the jelly in the dining hall. Sylvain held him there. Head on his. They would kiss later. And he would actually show Sylvain what he wanted to do in the training grounds. For now, they would relish in each other's comfort. “I have always loved you Fe.” 

_ They were really dense. _

\------------------------------

Ingrid sat sipping tea with Dorothea in the gardens. She knew what happened when they didn’t show up to the dining hall.

\-----------------------------

For his birthday, he didn't expect anything but the small party the Lions threw in the training grounds when he went to train for the day. Due to Felix's antisocial behaviors and his distaste for many people, it only consisted of his fellow lions. Anyone else was barred entry into the event (it was Dedues idea to barricade the door). And a feast instead of a cake, he could appreciate the thought they put behind it.

He didn't expect gifts. He was adamantly against any such thing, not needing anything. And if he did he could get it himself. Anything else was frivolous and unnecessary considering his hatred of clutter. However, heading back to his room after the party to rest from having so many people focused on him, he saw a gift on his bed. He knew who it was from without looking inside or on the tag hanging off it. If the fact Sylvain was the only other person with a key didn't enter his mind, the single blue rose on top did. _Insatiable romantic._

A sword of Zoltan, a silver antique with a gold finish on the handle, wrapped with a blue ribbon on one side of the crossguard. A pricey gift. Probably cost the redhead a pretty penny and a long time to track down. It was beautiful, and one he would regret to use only to not damage it. It was the only gift he would accept today. 

That, and a kiss later from Sylvain.

\-----------------------------

_ 6th of the Lone Moon, 1185 _

_ Sylvain, being the insatiable idiot he is, read this journal. It is ok though. He confessed to me, told me he loved me since we were kids, when we made our promise. Same as me. We kissed this evening in the dining hall. We were caught by Ashe, who promptly left after flushing an unnatural shade of red. But I don’t regret it, as much as I wish it was in a more seluded area. I guess I should thank Ingrid, but I don’t want to give her the satisfaction. For now, Sylvain is waiting for me in his room to spend time together. I was right. This is everything I wanted. And it’s everything I expected. _

_ I will still write in here, though. I still want to save each moment. _

Scribbled at the bottom the next day was handwriting Felix knew wasn’t his.

_ Awwww Fe! That is so sweet. I will make sure to make it worth your while ;) _

Felix punched him in the gut later when he found Sylvain.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Leave a comment below :)


End file.
